Corpse Bride

Rating: ****/*****, or 8/10

Tim Burton's love for traditional stop motion animation, already evident in The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), is further displayed in Corpse Bride, which also sees his fifth collaboration with his muse Johnny Depp (and the third with his lover Helena Bonham Carter). A young man (Depp) is forced to wed a woman (Emily Watson) by both their obnoxious greedy parents, though the pair carries genuine affections for one another. When practicing his vows alone in the dark woods, he accidentally places his ring around a female corpse's finger, after which he finds himself married to this woman (Carter) in the afterlife. Though it's a far more cheerful and colorful place than the one he just left behind, he wants to return to the world of the living to finish the marriage before his bride is suckered into marrying a ruthless impostor out for her money. Meanwhile the corpse bride herself has some unfinished business up above. Applying his typical dark Gothic visual style to every aspect of the animation process, the movie is first and foremost a celebration of life, love and (the unavoidability of) death (which makes it ironic the movie is done with puppets instead of real actors, save for the voice work). Why be gloomy over death when you can't escape it anyway? Stop worrying about it and learn to love life instead! Such life lessons are most effectively, and wonderfully devoid of cheesiness, delivered via a series of swinging songs, courtesy of Burton's regular composer Danny Elfman (11^th collaboration) which provide the most fun in this delightful movie. However, the off-beat look to the animation and a decent number of visual and dialogue gags also make for a great time to be had by young and old alike. Burton would return to stop motion for Frankenweenie (2012).

Starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Emily Watson

Directed by Tim Burton and Mike Johnson

USA/UK: Warner Bros., 2005

Convoy of Girls

Rating: **/*****, or 4/10

One of six terrible films included in the Nazi Cult Collection. Original French title: Convoi des Filles. Like any typical 'nazisploitation' flick (i.e., an exploitation film featuring gratuitous sex and violence in a Nazi setting), Convoy of Girls revolves around a group of girls being sent to German soldiers on the front lines for their R&R, resulting in rather softcore nudity and boring orgy scenes, unlike seen in their more hardcore counterparts of the same subgenre, including the likes of the infamous Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS, which feature more expressive sexual activity and scenes of innocent girls being humiliated and tortured by both men and other girls alike (since these films don't discriminate in that regard). This is not the worst film of the bunch, but still a movie that nobody would miss after all copies were lost in a public movie burning rally.

Starring: Brigitte Parmentier, Jean-Marie Lemaire, Henri Lambert

Directed by Jesus Franco and Pierre Chevalier

France: Eurociné, 1978

Conquest of Space

Rating: ***/*****, or 5/10

George Pal, the renowned producer behind such Fifties' Sci-Fi classics/special effects extravaganzas like When Worlds Collide (1951) and The War of the Worlds (1953) once again teams up with the director of the latter, Byron Haskin, in an effort to combine expensive FX with scientifically correct (or as much as can be) space travel, which worked so well for him on Destination Moon (1950). Working with a plot based on a novel by famous science fiction artist Chesley Bonestell, Pal tells the story of man's first deep space mission to Mars, setting off from a giant wheel shaped space station (a motif often repeated in the genre) in an odd looking rocket ship adorned with completely superfluous wings (a less often featured staple of the genre, thankfully). However, Pal soon trades in intriguingly feasible science for a philosophical debate on whether or not mankind should venture into space at all, sadly driven by religious reasoning as space is seen as God's backyard, or so the ever more insane mission leader claims as he endangers the daring move into the great black, as well as the lives of him and his men. Sadly the special effects feel quite lacking for most of the film, unlike in Pal's past Sci-Fi glory which won him three Academy Awards in a row. The result is a somewhat chaotic obscurity of a science fiction flick that had great aspirations but unfortunately failed to fully develop them into a 'Pal worthy' film. Still worth a watch for science fiction aficionados.

Starring: Walter Brooke, Eric Fleming, Mickey Shaughnessy

Directed by Byron Haskin

USA: Paramount Pictures, 1955

Constantine

Rating: ***/*****, or 7/10

Fascinating mix of horror and action, based on the DC comic book series Hellblazer. Keanu Reeves stars as John Constantine, a cynical, rude chain smoking exorcist who has had the misfortune of having the ability to see the angels and demons secretly roaming our world all around us since childhood. Despite having dispatched scores of demons back to hell, he's on his last legs suffering from terminal lung cancer, soon doomed to a final one-way trip to the underworld. Reeves is reunited with Rachel Weisz (they starred opposite each other in Chain Reaction (1996), who plays a detective investigating the apparent suicide of her mentally ill Catholic twin sister. She soon finds out it was a part of a much larger plot that might involve the sudden End of Days as the son of Satan means to overthrow his father's reign and release hell on Earth. Despite the two of them not getting along, Constantine is forced to team up with her to stop this imminent Apocalypse, but finds himself being hindered by both angels and demons alike, all with their own agenda, including a androgynous deranged Gabriel (Tilda Swinton). Though visually impressive – especially the hellish version of Los Angeles – and containing a bunch of solid action and horror scenes, the weird potpourri of historical and Apocalyptic elements and Biblical role-reversals has to be taken with quite a grain of salt. Reeves also falls back into his already firmly established Messiah routine (and it wouldn't be the last time), while Weisz clearly proves who is the better actor of the two. A sequel has been in the works for years, but always fails to materialize beyond mere planning.

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Tilda Swinton

Directed by Francis Lawrence

USA: Warner Bros., 2005

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Rating: ***/*****, or 6/10

Re-imagination of the Conan franchise and the barbarian character itself, first immortalized by Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1982. Jason Momoa (the former Khal Drogo on the brilliant HBO show Game of Thrones) has big boots to fill indeed, and does it adequately enough judging by the size of his biceps and the lack of subtlety and talent for murder displayed in his take on Conan. This sleeker, more modern action flick retells the origins of Conan, keeping close to Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian (1982) combined with some elements from Conan the Destroyer (1984), starting of as a wild child who witnesses his tribe massacred and his beloved father (Ron Perlman!) viciously put to death at the hands of the evil tyrant king Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang once again failing to portray a truly disdainful antagonist as he did on Avatar (2009)). Seeking revenge in the long run, Conan at first sticks to the life of a thief and a pirate, until he picks up Zym's trace again and slashes his way to the top through a long row of creepy henchmen, delivering some decent action scenes and rescuing a beautiful lady of royal blood (Rachel Nichols) in the process. This princess is intended as a human sacrifice so Zym and his maniacal sorceress daughter (a delightful Rose McGowan who is obviously having a ball here) can summon the powers of an ancient mask and conquer the world. Of course Conan doesn't make it easy for them, resulting in a string of violent fisticuffs, intense moments of swords hacking into human flesh and overly digital monsters to be fought, basically the ingredients most spectators would have expected. Overall a fairly entertaining action film, certainly the best in director Marcus Nispel's repertoire (which isn't saying much with movies like Pathfinder (2007) and Friday the 13^th (2009) on his score), but never truly special and certainly not as iconic as Schwarzenegger's original portrayal of the classic Robert E. Howard character. The movie did rather poorly at the box office, despite being released in 3-D (though for most of the film you wouldn't have noticed this), so we probably won't be hearing from Conan for a while. A shame on the one hand, but on the other, we'll always have Ah-nuld.

Starring Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan

Directed by Marcus Nispel

USA: Millennium Films, 2011

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Rating: ***/*****, or 6/10

Third sequel to the original Planet of the Apes film from 1968. After the overall lighter tone from its predecessor Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971), the franchise takes a much darker turn in this film, as we finally witness the origin of the apes and their hatred towards mankind. In the not too distant future (1991, so don't worry, it didn't happen), a mysterious disease has wiped out all cats and dogs, so apes are kept as replacements pets, but are soon found to be more suitable for slave labour and as such are ruthlessly exploited by their human overlords in a gritty dystopian setting. The son of former 'future apes' Zira and Cornelius, dubbed Caesar (played by Roddy McDowall, who previously performed Cornelius as well) by his human surrogate father (all too small part for Ricardo 'Khan' Montalban), finds himself without his protector who is viciously brutalized and killed by the human regime – it's not an all too happy future for humans either – after which he finds himself amongst his fellow simians and becomes their Messiah. Under Caesar's command, the apes rise in revolt and violence sweeps the nation as they fight for their freedom and start a conflict that will change the fate of the world. Easily the most controversial and most violent entry into the franchise, as the provocative display of abused and chained apes evokes haunting imagery of human slavery based on racial segregation, which is of course a parallel that has driven the continuing overall plot since the first film, but is most effectively fleshed out here. It is also painfully reminiscent of the race riots of the late sixties and early seventies, something the writers sure were aware of. Despite its convincing and intriguing social parallels, the fairly limited budget and resulting small scale look of the film hinder the impact of the story on a visual level for looking so cheap. Plus, the clear delineation between good apes and bad humans makes for pretty two-dimensional, oversimplified characterization. The plot was partially appropriated to great acclaim by the latest Planet of the Apes reboot, Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011), thankfully resulting in grander imagery.

Starring: Roddy McDowall, Don Murray, Ricardo Montalban

Directed by J. Lee Thompson

USA: 20^th Century-Fox, 1972

Conan the Destroyer

Rating: ***/*****, or 5/10

Mildly entertaining but ultimately underwhelming successor to the superior Conan the Barbarian (1982). The strong but silent warrior returns to the big screen as he is tasked by a ruthless queen to escort her young and beautiful niece to a faraway magic castle to find a jewel that can awaken the sleeping god, Dagoth, she worships. Together with a ragtag band of fellow warriors, Conan fights marauders, sorcery and demons along the way, while the princess falls in love with him. Little do both know she is destined to be a human sacrifice to the monstrous god, and there are those in the warriors' ranks who must ensure the girl will fulfill that destiny, even if it means killing Conan in the process. Though there's more intrigue in the story compared to its predecessor, it often gets in the way of the plan simple action people will expect from this film, while a PG rating, ill suited to the material (Barbarian was rated R after all), further restricts the fighting to such an extent it never gets beyond childish and mediocre. The effects are also not on par with the first film, though they still make for a decent dreamy level of quality that contributes to the overall sense of fantasy. Noted science fiction and fantasy director Richard Fleischer (20000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954), Fantastic Voyage (1966), Soylent Green (1973)) has been known to produce better fare than this, though it remains an interesting entry in his oeuvre. A third movie, which could have undone the flaws of this film, unfortunately never got beyond the planning stages of production. In order to still get his dose of fantasy acting, Schwarzenegger opted for a supporting role in the suspiciously similar Red Sonja the following year, ironically enough also directed by Fleischer.

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain

Directed by Richard Fleischer

USA: Dino De Laurentiis Company, 1984