Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Rating: ***/*****, or 6/10

Re-imagination of the Conan franchise and the barbarian character itself, first immortalized by Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1982. Jason Momoa (the former Khal Drogo on the brilliant HBO show Game of Thrones) has big boots to fill indeed, and does it adequately enough judging by the size of his biceps and the lack of subtlety and talent for murder displayed in his take on Conan. This sleeker, more modern action flick retells the origins of Conan, keeping close to Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian (1982) combined with some elements from Conan the Destroyer (1984), starting of as a wild child who witnesses his tribe massacred and his beloved father (Ron Perlman!) viciously put to death at the hands of the evil tyrant king Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang once again failing to portray a truly disdainful antagonist as he did on Avatar (2009)). Seeking revenge in the long run, Conan at first sticks to the life of a thief and a pirate, until he picks up Zym's trace again and slashes his way to the top through a long row of creepy henchmen, delivering some decent action scenes and rescuing a beautiful lady of royal blood (Rachel Nichols) in the process. This princess is intended as a human sacrifice so Zym and his maniacal sorceress daughter (a delightful Rose McGowan who is obviously having a ball here) can summon the powers of an ancient mask and conquer the world. Of course Conan doesn't make it easy for them, resulting in a string of violent fisticuffs, intense moments of swords hacking into human flesh and overly digital monsters to be fought, basically the ingredients most spectators would have expected. Overall a fairly entertaining action film, certainly the best in director Marcus Nispel's repertoire (which isn't saying much with movies like Pathfinder (2007) and Friday the 13^th (2009) on his score), but never truly special and certainly not as iconic as Schwarzenegger's original portrayal of the classic Robert E. Howard character. The movie did rather poorly at the box office, despite being released in 3-D (though for most of the film you wouldn't have noticed this), so we probably won't be hearing from Conan for a while. A shame on the one hand, but on the other, we'll always have Ah-nuld.

Starring Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan

Directed by Marcus Nispel

USA: Millennium Films, 2011

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Rating: ****/*****, or 7/10

Classic 'Sword & Sorcery' type of film, a landmark fantasy movie of the Eighties and the definitive cinematic breakthrough of the iconic Arnold Schwarzenegger. Based on the works of Robert E. Howard and set in an unspecified chapter of mankind's prehistory, Conan witnesses his tribe being massacred as a child by the forces of the evil sorcerer Thulsa Doom (fabulous role for James Earl Jones), after which the boy is doomed to slavery. Surviving his ordeal of slave labor, the adult Conan rises all the stronger as a gladiator and fights for his freedom, after which he sets out on a bloody quest for vengeance. Trying his hand at theft at first, Conan meets the beautiful female thief Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) with whom he soon falls in love after which the pair is asked by a king to reclaim his stolen daughter from the vile clutches of a Snake Cult ruled by Doom. With a minimum of dialogue (no more than is absolutely necessary for the character), Milius has the rogue warrior mercilessly fight his way through hordes of monsters and minions under the command of the villainous practitioner of the dark arts, often with a very amusing cynical lack of subtlety, a form of acting Schwarzenegger is shown to excel at (and would often do so again in similar roles in his action packed repertoire). Though the effects have aged quite a bit, they still add a wonderful otherworldly quality to the piece, often emulated but rarely surpassed. A fabulous epic score by Basil Poledouris completes the fun. Followed by the inferior Conan the Destroyer two years later. The intriguing opening narration of this film mentions Conan's ascent to the level of king: though this was intended to be featured in a third film, often claimed to be titled Conan the Conqueror, it sadly never materialized.

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman, James Earl Jones

Directed by John Milius

USA: Dino De Laurentiis Company, 1982