Someone please sink this battleship...

Battleship: Rating **/*****, or 3/10

It seems the alien invasion subgenre of science fiction is in full decline as far as quality is concerned, though when it comes to quantity, it's rarely done better. The last few years numerous alien invasion films have invaded our movie theatres trying to rule the box-office, but most of them failed due to humanity's natural resilience against bad movies. Last year's examples include Skyline, Cowboys & Aliens, The Darkest Hour and Transformers: Dark of the Moon, but on the 'badness' scale none of these were a match for the stupendously dismal World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles, which chronicled the fight of a rag-tag group of marines against a vastly superior extraterrestrial intelligence. It was a complete defiance of logic and a total waste of everybody's time and money, particularly for the audience – okay, so I can get in for free, but I'd still like those two hours back...– Now Battleship comes sailing into the cinemas to pull off the same trick (i.e., bore the audience some more at the expense of their no doubt hard earned cash that had better be spend on something more worthwhile), except it takes the fight to the seas instead of rehashing the land based routine. And in the process it manages to defile the name of a classic board game, on which it claims to have been based, though the connection is hardly ever present, other than in the simple presence of a battleship.

Apparently using the concept of one fleet of ships being pitched against another and taking each other out was either not politically correct in the current climate, or the studio executives considered it too boring. So the line of thought seems to have been that if there's no human adversaries to combat, the threat must come from outer space. Battleship opens with an expositional scene explaining the existence of large radio telescopes on Hawaii which are used to send signals to a distant solar system that might contain an Earth like planet. Lo and behold, the signals are received and the resident aliens return our call of hospitality by sending in an invasion force which crashes into the Pacific – except for one starship which hits downtown Hong Kong instead, resulting in the typical levels of destruction à la Armageddon, spectacular but devoid of emotion – around the same time a huge international naval exercise is underway in that area, featuring participants from many countries, and of course led by the good ol' United States ready to gallantly defend our freedom from foreign agressors seeking to take it from us (think Independence Day, except with less impressive results on all fronts).

Naturally, a face must be put on the heroic side to make the resulting drama (what little of it there is amidst all the action anyway) feel compelling, and that face belongs to Taylor Kitsch, in the role of Lieutenant Alex Hopper. Kitsch recently managed to save Mars from internal political turmoil by uniting warring factions against a common enemy in the epic space opera John Carter, so this next task should prove easy enough for him. Alex is kind of a rebel, a loudmouth screw-up with problems adhering to authority, who is about to get kicked out of the navy, much to the chagrin of his more responsible and successful older brother Stone Hopper (portrayed by everybody's favorite True Blood vampire actor Alexander Skarsgard, no fangs) who hoped the navy would provide some much needed stability for his loose gun kid sibling. To complicate matters, Alex is madly in love with the daughter of Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson in a typically commanding performance, something we're used to in his case), so the admiral holds him in great contempt and is all too eager to dismiss him from the service. Fortunately for Alex, aliens conveniently come and provide an opportunity to prove his worth and set things right, saving his love life and his career.

Warning! Here be spoilers! During the navy war games, strange objects are spotted in the ocean, at which point the admiral dispatches three vessels to investigate, including Alex's. Upon closer inspection, the objects turn out to be (very digital) alien spaceships which immediately deploy a huge force field, which envelops the Hawaii islands, and cuts the fleet off from the three destroyers locked within, after which a cat and mouse game ensues between the human and alien warships involving a lot of gunfire and explosions. Why the aliens can't simply protect themselves with separate force fields instead of proving to be all too easy to destroy with simple cannon fire is just one of the many questions the conflict raises over the next hour and a half. Within ten minutes two out of three navy ships have been destroyed and all officers including bloodsucker Eric Northman have been killed off, so Alex gets his chance to shine and kick some alien ass, accompanied by his distrusting crew who give him the benefit of the doubt only to find he can do the job after all. Among the ranks we find the recording artist Rihanna, offering some female empowerment in her first film role. Don't worry, she doesn't sing, and neither does she do much acting.

The aliens' interest in the Hawaii islands, other than their stunning natural beauty and fantastically sensual beaches of course, is focused on the presence of the aforementioned telescopes, which the aliens mean to commandeer so they can call in reinforcements from their home planet, since their space craft downed in China apparently was the only ship capable of communicating with home base (yeah, that makes perfect sense, if you take your audience to consist solely of morons). The action of Battleship therefore is not limited to the ocean, but also witnesses a struggle on land between the aliens and a small group of valiant braves consisting of Alex's girlfriend, a local telescope scientist and a crippled marine with prosthetic legs, attempting to foil the evil schemes of the invaders. Of course the girlfriend is total eye candy, the scientist is a stereotypical hairy nerd who turns to cowardice (after all, science created this mess which the navy must now clean up) and the ex-marine feels like an uncomfortable attempt to give credit to the many battle scarred troops in the armed forces who might not be compatible with the hard business of soldiery anymore but can still prove to be useful human beings when it comes down to it. A noble sentiment, but not the best time to express it if you want the audience to take things seriously.

The movie proceeds to press the latter point too much when the plot calls for a new ship to save the day after the three destroyers have met the fate their class name suggests they should have done to the enemy. Only one true battleship remains, the near legendary USS Missouri, and though it's a museum piece she's still ready for action, as is the sturdy crew of very old veterans who preserved her and get called upon for active duty once more. And so the movie reaches its lowest point when we see these seniors walk down the decks in excessive slow motion as truly heroic characters, reporting for duty in order to save the day. Any sense of seriousness this movie might have offered before this point now gets completely undone in a single moment of utter camp, while it remains unclear whether this is what director Peter Berg (also responsible for the not so funny superhero spoof Hancock) intended.

And so the final battle for the fate of the planet begins, when the Missouri squares of against the vile extra-terrestrials all by itself guns fully blazing. It proves to be as tiresome and overly loud a confrontation as the rest of them, and all too soon forgotten when the lights in the theatre go on. In fact, though the action might deliver some minor entertainment during the course of the movie, none of it proves memorable, also due to the obvious levels of computer generated imagery that never makes the invaders, be it the aliens themselves or their vessels, feel convincingly real. What's worse, in the heat of battle even the battleships feel overly pixelized at times. The design of the extra-terrestrial aggressors is also lacking originality, except for the silly beard like appendages on their face which makes the threat and thus the film itself that much harder to take seriously (if the platoon of old folks hadn't ruined it completely yet). And when you take into consideration that their motives for attacking humanity are never explained and clearly badly executed, it's obvious Battleship is yet another pointless addition to the plethora of lame alien invasion films that have plagued moviegoers for the last few years. Being based on a much beloved board game does not excuse studio executives to regurgitate their recent failures.

The original Battleship board game was a game of wits and skill, but the resulting movie employs neither and appears to be nothing but a haphazard attempt to out-Bay Michael Bay by applying his noisy and irritating style of action to yet another Hasbro owned toy franchise (as if the Transformers trilogy wasn't headache inducing enough), undoubtedly also intended to sell more Hasbro products. The latter might not be a bad suggestion, since saving the money for two tickets for this film can buy you the board game instead, which is guaranteed to make for more fun for two than watching the Battleship movie could ever hope to achieve.

Oh well, at least we still have The Avengers to remind us alien invasion films can still be done right occasionally...

And watch the trailer here:

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/universal/battleship/

Disney's First Trip to Barsoom

John Carter :

****/*****, or 8/10

Remember the time when the science fiction and fantasy genres were less clearly delineated then they are now, and science fiction asked for much more suspension of disbelief and far less techno babble to sell its grandiose stories? You probably don't, since we're talking before the actual birth of the science fiction genre in movies, which would be the 1950s. In the thirties so-called 'space operas', displaying epic story telling in exotic locales with strange creatures (insofar as the budgets and effect allowed, both of which were usually pretty limited) were a staple of the Saturday matinee serials in movie theatres, where people could shake off their worries brought along by the Depression for a little while and transport themselves to the world of the weird and wonderful. Then along came the fifties with the usual rocket science, nuclear weapons and misguided scientists and the space opera vanished until Star Wars revamped it in the late seventies and made it nigh impossible to get away with a believable universe on anything but the highest of budgets, which is the reason that Hollywood rarely dares to return to the subgenre. Under Andrew Stanton's direction, Disney now takes the gamble with John Carter, the first of what will hopefully be a series of huge, marvelous sci-fi movies based on Egar Rice Burroughs' classic Barsoom novels. Stanton, of Finding Nemo and Wall·E fame, delivers a grand, old-fashioned science fiction spectacle, on an enormously high budget that also makes expectations for both the audience and the studio itself rise to the roof (I myself surely was stoked for this project for quite a while). Fortunately, Stanton seemingly knows how to make an epic sci-fi flick with the right balance of action, humour and stunning visuals, though at times he unfortunately misses a few beats when it comes to storytelling.

Ironically, it's the segments of the movie's plot that are Earth-based that form the weakest links of the overall plot, feeling somewhat randomly intertwined and devoid of coherence, both opening and closing the movie on an unsatisfactory note. Around the turn of the nineteenth century, young Edgar Rice Burroughs (Daryl Sabara) is called to his uncle's estate, where he learns the good man, John Carter, has died and left everything to him in his will, including his journals, which Eddie starts to read. They tell of Civil War Confederate vet John (Taylor Kitsch, who previously played a not too shabby Gambit in the otherwise forgettable X-Men Origins: Wolverine) seeking a cave of gold in the Arizona territory, where he's hindered in his efforts by a grumpy US Army officer and several Apache indians, before stumbling upon said cave by accident where he is transported to Mars via an odd medallion. This is where the movie really kicks into gear and the fun truly begins, as John is captured by a band of four-armed, green aliens called Tharks, under the command of Tars Tarkas (performed by the ever ingenious Willem Dafoe).

The Tharks turn out to be a warrior race of noble savages, Tarkas being noble and the rest of them savage, as is demonstrated effectively when they destroy their unhatched eggs so weak offspring won't infect their tribe's strength, while the overly cute newlyborns are subjected to very harsh treatment, as is John. Because of the different gravity on Mars, he finds himself to have superior speed, agility and strength over the natives of Barsoom, their name for their red planet, making him a force to be reckoned with, were it not for the fact he doesn't care about anything other than returning home.

Meanwhile, unrest rules other parts of Barsoom, as the great city states of Helium and Zodanga are at war over dominance of the planet. However, a third party secretly controls the war by supplying Zodanga's ruthless prince Sab Than (a gnarly Dominic West) with a secret weapon, the Ninth Ray, which has crippled Helium's fleet and forces its ruler, Tardos Mors (Ciaran “Caesar” Hinds) to marry off his beautiful daughter Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins, also an X-Men Origins: Wolverine veteran) to his nemesis to save his city from utter ruin. Dejah naturally feels differently and flees, only to be hunted down by Sab and his minions, which ends in a sensational battle between very impressive, awesomely designed Barsoomian air crafts and Dejah's near-death, of which she's saved by John who literally leaps to her rescue, after which Dejah eventually convinces John, indifferent at first until he gets to know the gorgeous princess a little better, to stay on Barsoom and help her noble cause, with the aid of Tarkas and his daughter Sola (Samantha Morton, but pixelized). The various key players now have met and set off on a quest to save Helium from the Zodangan forces and their insidious hidden overlords, the Therns, a race of immortal beings who consider themselves gods and have a long term plan to rule both Barsoom and Earth, though they did not account for the anomalous John Carter and his great power. With the help of the Tharks, only won over by Carter surviving a nasty Arena fight with two giant white apes, a big battle between good and evil over the fate of Mars ensues.

So there you have it: clearly defined good guys, typically sinister bad guys, a band of brigands with a vicious temperament but a heart of gold, a beautiful princess, a nefarious prince being governed by shadowy puppeteers, all manner of wildly fascinating creatures, big battles, a few chase scenes involving atypical flying machinery and some mystical elements involving powerful forms of energy and faux religion thrown in, all come togther to form this elaborate space opera (though admittedly, there's little 'final frontier' type space), simply called John Carter. Thanks to Star Wars and many many many other works of science fiction leeching off Burroughs' original works (at least, original back in 1912) for decades, there's nothing really new to be found here, but the end result is tremendously entertaining all the same. The movie boasts a bunch of talented actors, including the afore mentioned Dafoe and Hinds, as well as Mark Strong playing yet another unbelievably bad, naughty man in the shape of the Thern leader Matai Shang, something with which he can be thoroughly trusted as always (has the man ever not played bad guys, you have to wonder). The cast also includes James Purefoy amongst its ranks as the dashing and sarcastic Kantos Kan, Captain of Helium: it will please fans of the brilliant HBO series Rome to see Hinds and Purefoy together again in the exact same type of relationship as they had in the first century AD (and you get Polly Walker as a bonus, playing another absolute bitch in the guise of Sola's rival Thark Sarkoja). Kitsch and Collins, though playing the movie's leads, are surrounded by better actors, but let's face it: so were Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher in Star Wars, and Sam Worthington plus Zoe Saldana in Avatar. Overall they fare simply adequately, which is enough for John Carter: it leaves some room for improvement for the sequel. Overall, Collins' beautiful and sexy but strong, smart and independent Dejah Thoris kicks Kitsch' human ass with ease though.

Of course with an epic movie come epic visuals, and John Carter delivers in spades, not only thanks to the VFX department, which undoubtedly has been working overtimes to get this project completed in time, but also thanks to the beautiful natural vistas provided by the Grand Canyon location shooting. As beautiful as the clear waters of the sacred river Iss are the digital shots of the walking city of Zodanga or the spiral tower at the center of Helium. However, it's the various digital creatures that stand out the most, of which the most prominent are the Tharks. They look very well rendered and don't attract attention to themselves for being digital, which is a testament to both the skill of the pixel pushing VFX artists as to the talent of the actors performing and voicing these humanoid extraterrestrials. The Tharks provide for the most memorable scenes of the film, not just because of their bizarre look – green skinned, four armed and endowed with big tusks on their cheeks – but also due to their fascinating warrior culture, of which we would have loved to have seen more. Once a proud and accomplished race, the struggle for survival amongst the various Thark clans on the dying surface of Barsoom has slowly driven them into barbarism, with the strongest specimens ruling the tribes with an iron fist. However, as Tars Tarkas shows in his intelligent and merciful leadership, they are not beyond redemption, still revealing shreds of “humanity” (the word isn't particularly sufficient here) and hope for returning to their former state as a force to be reckoned with, an opportunity John eagerly provides them with. Plus, there is the added bonus of a dark sense of humor to Thark behavior, as we see them all too happily plundering a downed Zodangan space craft or wryly saluting their new found Helium allies in the final battle in the typical American fashion, proof that we shouldn't take this movie all too seriously.

The same applies to the other digital creatures in the film, most notably John's new Barsoomian pet Woolla, a toad like dog creature (sort of a cross between Jabba the Hutt and a squirrel) with an unlikely capacity for speed that provides for most of the comic relief, but fortunately never gets to become a true JarJarism as would have been possible, also owing to the fact he can't speak. Woolla could easily have been a wholesomely annoying sidekick as we've seen all too often in recent Hollywood blockbusters, but Stanton thankfully seems determined to keep his shenanigans down to a respectful minimum. Less funny and in fact a real threat to our protagonists are the Barsoomian white apes John has to face in the Thark arena to win the hearts of the crowd and convince them to join Helium in its conflict for the good of all Martian races. The arena fight is probably the movie's most sold concept, displayed on many promotional materials and forming big chunks of the various teaser spots and trailers. Though of course it hearkens back to the simply stunning huge arena fights in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (which remain unsurpassed), John's special powers make it at least distinct instead of simply a pale copy. Leaping over these creatures and smacking them with big boulders and chains proves to be a whole different strategy of dispatching alien monsters than chopping their limbs off with lightsabers. However, the arena fight is not the climax of the film: that honour is reserved for the grandiose battle between the Zodangan army and the combined Thark and Helium forces, though the speeder craft chase between the giant mechanic legs of the moving city of Zodanga and the aerial battle between Dejah's air craft and her Zodangan pursuers that first has her team up with John, also claim their equal share of sticking out as particularly well executed dynamic action scenes that John Carter will be most remembered for.

Unfortunately, even on Barsoom, plot is far from everything, though it's not nearly as messy and forgetful as the few Earth scenes which open and close the film. The story element which fails the most here is the existence of the Ninth Ray, a supposed energy force that serves as Zodanga's weapon of mass destruction after having been given to this conquering nation by the scheming Therns. It's obviously a great source of power as showcased when it destroys air ships and ground troops alike, but what exactly it is and how it works is largely left under-explained. Dejah Thoris at first is revealed to work on her own Ray which is stated by her to have great potential for good as well as bad, but the movie never picks up on this loose end later on. Things get even more complicated when the Ninth Ray is brought into context with the nine planets in the solar system, as if that's how it derives its power of transporting the Therns, and John Carter himself, between planets, but this plot twist too is left undeveloped. Either expositionary scenes explaining the Ninth Ray energy were omitted for pacing reasons, or the writers decided not to bother too much with the specifics so as not to bore the audience needlessly, which sadly makes this otherwise quite important story element, somehow connecting Earth with Barsoom, the weakest link of the overall film. 

At least the Therns, wielding its stupendously awesome power which makes them consider themselves untouchable gods among the insect inhabitants of both worlds, prove to be an intriguingly crafted race of antagonists, pulling the strings of both the Zodangans by directing their moves in battle and the Tharks by being their uncompromising deities in a heartless religious relationship that forces its subjects to abandon everything and sail forth on the river Iss towards an uncertain vision of paradise. It would have been even better constructed in a narrative sense if the Therns also secretly manipulated Helium as well, thus “Palpatining” all sides in the struggle for Barsoom and setting them against each other just so eventually they could pick up the pieces and declare themselves the true victorious party in the aftermath of the global war they instigated, but their shady plan works well regardless just controlling two races. Given the established Thern presence on Earth which is largely brushed over in this film, it's highly likely we'll be seeing more of them in the sequel, which has already been announced to be aptly titled John Carter: The Gods of Mars. This movie ends clearly leaving room for further trips to Barsoom, as we see John's death was only a ruse on his part to return to Mars in a somewhat confusing fashion, while a sequel would do well bringing closure to some of the more feebly written plot elements in its predecessor.

Overall, John Carter has its narrative weaknesses, but otherwise succeeds perfectly in introducing us to the wonderful realm of Barsoom, a world slowly dying because of a lack of natural resources and the in-fighting of its natives, which is only brought to a halt when introducing the random element of the outsider John Carter. The movie provides for a solid combination of dynamic pace coupled with magnificent visual sights, grand scale battles between various fascinating cultures, all sorts of grotesque alien creatures and superb art design (did I mention the wicked Helium and Zodangan costumes yet?). Whether it will captivate general audiences, who might not be aware of the impact of the Barsoom novels as written by Burroughs a century ago on science fiction in literature and motion pictures since, remains to be seen, as many of its once unique characteristics have been appropriated by other texts in the same genre. People might see too much Star Wars or Avatar in this movie, but those films are well known to have copied elements from other works themselves. In this regard, John Carter is just a late entry into the cinematic world, where is was among the first of its kind in the world of literature. People should not judge it too harshly for that and just accept it for what it is, a genuine space opera that deserves to be embraced as an old friend late to a party. I for one have, and I already look forward to returning to Barsoom in the future.

And watch the trailer here:

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/disney/johncarter/