Today's Column: We Know Nothing, Jon Snow

This month's column skips the dreaded sequel for last month's (not much to columnize about me liking Jurassic World, other than summing up lots of hyperboles and superlatives, which makes for a dull read) and instead targets another very predictable topic, that jolly show called Game of Thrones, which had yet again drawn to a season close.

Column: We Know Nothing, Jon Snow

We've arrived at that time in the series we knew would come sooner rather than later. Book readers no longer can say with certainty what's to come for the majority of story lines. The series has caught up with the various narratives in the novels in most cases and has even well progressed beyond them in some. Not to mention many of them have also been changed to such an extent they little resemble their literary counterparts. Only a few of the characters' stories are still behind, and a bunch of them involve people we haven't even met yet, and may not ever meet on the show. So what does that mean for the relationship between those who have read all the novels, and those who solely stick to the series? For one thing, the latter party doesn't need to worry so strongly about dodging spoilers, which also means the former can once more open their mouths in public without fear of someone socking a fist in them. It makes for a better balance between both types of fans, now that they all know who, when and what we're talking about and nobody knows for a certainty what's going to happen next (except for Mr. Martin, I should hope). The interchange of theories will now evolve along more equal lines, since both parties know as much, or more aptly speaking, as little.

Of course, book readers still know about the other possibilities certain characters could have had, as they had them in the book, and may take a hint or two from those, though there are no longer any guarantees. The only spoiler threat left for avid viewers/non readers now involves the new characters, like the already announced Randyll Tarly, Septon Meribald and Euron Greyjoy. However, of these characters the only one whose story line from the novel is left mostly intact is that last name. The other two in the books already appeared much earlier in situations the show can't duplicate anymore, because the narrative of the characters they supported has moved well beyond their original point, requiring novel settings for their appearance, which means there's little tangible left to spoil about them. So even though book readers may know their Randyll Tarly, Septon Meribald and Euron Greyjoy from the book, they won't know the new incarnations of these characters and as such anything they think they can spoil about them needs to be taken with a grain of salt (or in Greyjoy's case, salt wives).

Book readers and viewers no long need to be at odds, nor do they need to avoid one another socially. Instead, they can embrace in the shared knowledge that nobody knows what's coming any more on their beloved show. So let's go out and celebrate that new equality which formerly could be called adversity. Anyone feel like hosting a lavish feast in some great Lord's hall with lots of wine and song? If not, you've certainly learned your lessons from watching this show.

Today's News: trailers for everybody!

Been a busy week, here's some trailers that kept me posting:

Nieuwe trailer Minions

Everybody seems to really love the Minions. Even though they don't have much material going for them just yet. I guess the chief ingredients for success are all present in these little servants of evil: they're small, they're numerous (but just diverse enough to set them apart), they're colour coded in a simple fashion, and they're excessively cute. It worked for the Smurfs, eh? But unlike the Smurfs, they're supposedly evil, and I have yet to see any hard evidence of that. Of course, you can't sell evil to kids. So whatever villainous scheme they're involved in usually ends in failure, at least in Gru's case. It's obvious the evilness is just a pretense to get some silly story going, often interspersed with random gags (e.g. the teddy bear for example), while the main goal is to sell the Minions' cuteness to the audience so people will want to buy Minion dolls and stuff. I doubt things are gonna be any different in this semi-origin story. There's just a new baddie, who'll soon find hiring the Minions was a bad idea (that's what explains the badness of the Minions I suppose). No matter to us, as long as the Minions trollop around the screen looking utterly cute in all their zany, goofy shenanigans

Teaser Magic Mike XXL

Female audiences are gonna end up pretty satisfied in the erotic department this year. At this moment, everybody is moaning and groaning (either out of sheer lust or sheer loathing) over Fifty Shades of Grey, and in the not too distant future, that scenario will repeat itself with this second Magic Mike movie. I will not deny looking at the sweaty, undressed male torsos produces a sense of sexually insecurity for me, and I know that goes for most male audiences. The majority of those are of course dragged to theatres by the various women in their lifes (except for the homosexual portion of the populace, no doubt). Being a single man, I cannot help but wonder what tension Magic Mike hath wrought in the bedroom after a visit to the cinema. Do women press their men into trying to physically appear more like him, or do they accept that such an impressive bodily look is the exception rather than the rule? If we ignore the story line in effect for the film (which is not hard to do, since it's so overtly basic), what's left is largely nude men doing sexy dances to arouse women, which is basically softcore porn. I'm not judging, just stating the obvious. I hope the target audience realises full well that that's just all it is. But then, do men watching regular porn take the time to consider it's all just fantasies, too? Movies like Magic Mike XXL do a good job of reminding us just how small the difference between men and women actually is.

Eerste trailer Marvels Daredevil

This is more my cup of tea. Sure, there's a few good looking men (and women) in this production, too, but there's a lot more story to it. I enjoy ogling the well trained bodies of the opposite sex as much as anyone, but I prefer a good story. Too bad it's not a new story for the most part, but the previous audiovisual incarnation of Daredevil left plenty of room for improvement. It seems this new Netflix series delivers just that. This teaser also makes no mistake this is definitely going to be Marvel Studios' darkest production so far, and thus a certain amount of blood and violence is not spared. Good thing too, if they want to set the upcoming Defenders miniseries apart from the merrier, more colourful Avengers counterpart on the big screen. Sure, the following series are likely to be a bit lighter in tone, but since they all deal with fighting street crime and mob practices in New York's less pleasant neighbourhoods, some level of violence feels mandatory. Far be it from Netflix to shy away from that. For those who don't enjoy such grim superheroes, rest assured things will only brighten up after this. And if it's still not what they're hoping for, they'll always have the actually cinematic part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. No sinister sex crimes and gruesome drug wars there, only evil robots hellbent on annihilating humanity or intergalactic bad guys threatening the existence of the universe.

Nieuwe trailer Furious 7

And if you like action but not superheroes, you might consider checking this out. The typical 'get-rich-or-die-tryin'' atmosphere of fast cars and hot people (male and female) engaged in gunfights and general fisticuffs. A successful formula, so much so we've reached the whopping seventh entry in the F&F franchise. The actual death of a major player couldn't stop this production, yet there's a sense of finality to this trailer. All of Toretto's racing rivals have been added to his inner circle, his family. And now their bond will be put to the final test when the bad guy threatens to kill that family. Of course, it will prove a stupid idea and the villain will no doubt soon discover his folly. Since the merry gang of highway brigands is already rich since the fifth film, it's not about racing for money anymore, but racing for the ties that bind. And fondly remembering those ties in case of the fallen actor. For the studio however, money definitely still is the objective. So it's not inconceivable we'll be seeing more of this family in the future after all, even though it feels we're hitting an emotional climax here.

Jovovich speelt hoofdrol in Martins In the Lost Lands

And then there was this bit of non-trailer news. Of course, anything that has George R.R. Martins signature on it would be considered gold by studios hoping to cash in on the success of Game of Thrones. Doesn't mean everything Martin ever wrote is nearly as good as his most successful work. You wouldn't think the same genius was behind the majority of episodes of the second season of the Eighties' Twilight Zone show, considering their poor quality. At least In the Lost Lands is likely to appeal to the same (vast) fanbase since it's written in the same genre of epic fantasy. I had never heard of these stories before, but reading the synopsis doesn't convince me yet on whether adapting them to the big screen is a good idea. I may be entirely wrong, as I'm not familiar with the outcome, but the stories seem to lack coherency, while their protagonists seem to be subject to random elements, especially in the case of the story with the witch and the spacecraft (or maybe combining such seemingly incombinable elements is just proof of narrative brilliance beyond my comprehension). I probably should either read those stories or shout up about the topic and have faith in Martin. That said, I cannot help but wonder whether it would not be more prudent to adapt these shorts for television rather than the big screen. If they are indeed separate stories of an episodic nature, television seems suited for them. Anthology story telling isn't something you often encounter in theaters, maybe for a reason. Then again, it wouldn't be the first time Martin broke with conventions. Since GoT proved he excels at that, maybe I should simply reserve final judgment until In the Lost Lands hits cinemas.

Todays Double News: Game of Thrones, secrets and revelations

Two bits of news today, both concerning everybody's favorite sexy, bloody, epic HBO fantasy series called Game of Thrones:

http://www.moviescene.nl/p/154367/game_of_thrones_stopt_na_7_of_8_seizoenen

http://www.moviescene.nl/p/154335/derde_trailer_games_of_thrones_seizoen_4

All good things must come to an end, even Game of Thrones, like it or not. Setting a limit is probably for the best, considering milking it out indefinitely can only lead to a downfall in terms of quality. That said, with no more than four seasons remaining, there's still quite a lot of ground to cover. As the latest trailer reveals, the next season will already deal with a fair amount of chapters from the fourth book (and therefore also the fifth book, as those two coincide storywise). This sadly means a lot of material from the books will be excised for reasons of time, and that's a damn shame considering the many wonderful minor plot lines A Song of Ice and Fire that make up the rich realms of the Seven Kingdoms. Now that the show is rapidly catching up with the books, this also means that for a change the series might soon actually start to spoil the books by omitting story that ultimately proves omittable, even though we haven't yet come to believe that from reading the novels. That seems inescapable. Even though Martin insists he won't let the series overtake his work, fact is with a maximum of eight seasons the date is set: we can expect the ending four years from now. However, Martin still needs to finish two books, and from his track record we can assume he will need quite a while longer to complete those. Unless we're closer to the ending than anticipiated and the last two novels will turn out a fair bit thinner than their predecessors, which I'm hoping is not the case. I would prefer already knowing the end of the books from the show, but still staying able to get a rewarding reading experience thanks to everything the series doesn't tackle. If Benioff and Weiss get their way, at least it will safeguard the series from unneccessary milking and most likely the ever dreaded cancellation too. I was kinda hoping the show would have to resort to a break somewhere down the line because the story had yet to be finished, at which point a spin-off/prequel series of sorts would temporarily takes its place. There's plenty of material to cover after all: Robert's Rebellion, the Targaryen conquest, Dunk and Egg, etc. It seems that won't happen now, thanks to the showrunners' creative integrity. You don't see that every day in TV. Who knows, HBO execs might still overrule them. I doubt they care much about the notion of milking a show this successful out for every cent they can get out of it. And otherwise they can still do a spin-off later on. Wouldn't be the only contemporary hit series to do so, just look at Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.

In the meantime, the new trailer continues to whet our appettite for Season 4 even more. The battle for Meereen and the unexpected shot of Braavos - I thought the latter would be kept for the Fifth Season - let us know we can expect quite some exotic new locales, while the intrigue between the many characters remains as strong and compelling as ever. And if this isn't enough marketing material, there's the Vanity Fair photoshoot, which is... something else entirely. All the actors dressed as their characters looking uncomfortably cheerful while standing at a beautiful rocky coastline: why do these fashion photoshoots always utilize such an odd look that seems woefully out of touch with the series or films they cover? Judging from the semi-hilarious behind-the-scenes video, the cast proves a bit uneasy over the photoshoot themselves. As long as the characters refrain from engaging in overly concordial behavior in the series, I don't mind. After all, we want to see them stabbing each other in the back and screwing everybody over, not happily holding hands!

Valar Morghulis: all series must die. But not today.

Hodor!

A Game of Time, but a Feast for Fanboys

Today, I visited Westeros. And I wasn't alone, as thousands of others joined me on a tour to George R.R. Martin's fabulous world of epic fantasy as seen on HBO's Game of Thrones. It was well worth the trip; at least in my case, since I reckon there were others that did not get to enjoy it to the fullest extent as they ought to have. And that's mostly to blame on poor execution in the set-up and planning of the event. Though the Posthoornkerk in Amsterdam proved an appropriate setting with its Gothic look, it left a lot to be desired in terms of space, only accomodating 150 people at a time. Trouble is, the church was surrounded by vast legions of eager fanboys/fangirls (the series apparently appeals to both nigh on equally) which were held at bay by a small army of security guards, who gave each group only a mere 15 minutes to take in all the wealth and riches in design that the Seven Kingdoms have to offer. Alas, it turned out that for many such a brief time simply isn't enough even to get your picture taken on the Iron Throne...

I went there with a good friend, who loves the show nearly as much as I do. Being the smarty-pants that we are, we thought we would do well to arrive early so as to avoid most of the large crowds we knew would appear on the church's doorsteps this Sunday morning to worship the televisual teachings of the Song of Ice and Fire. It proved a smart move, since the number of fans that banded together in a long line around the block surpassed probably everybody's expectations, undoubtedly numbering in the tens of thousands before the day was over. So there we were, at half past nine, while the exhibition opened at ten, and there already was a huge group of people patiently waiting for the doors to open. When they did, the first group of 150 enthusiastic fanatics - which did not include ourselves, as we were part of the second wave - was let in but their enthusiasm was tempered when they were told they only had a quarter of an hour to soak it all up. Naturally, the first thing that happened was this former line of people immediately reassembling itself in front of the Iron Throne - or to be more precise, an iron throne (and definitely not made of metal), since it was an obvious replica if ever I saw one -  were you could have your picture taken while sitting on the damn chair. Who wouldn't want that, eh? The answer: nobody, so everybody got in line for their own photoshoot. The moment you have your picture taken on the throne has to be the most orgiastic feeling a true Game of Thrones adept could ever strive for. But sadly, the allotted time of 15 minutes was insufficient for all 150 people to get this photographic highlight of their life over and done with. I and my pal, having waited for this moment for 50 minutes, were lucky as we had to wait only ten more minutes to succeed in this endeavor, and we got another 5 minutes to drool over the fascinating props and costumes on display. Again, inadequate in terms of time. So what's a loyal GoT fan to do? Simple, get back in line. To both our dismay and delight, the line had grown in size. A lot. The number of avid fans that turned up - even from neighbouring countries like Germany - surprised even me, its fanbase has apparently been growing strong in the last few years. You should hear them roar as they were again told they could not yet come in.

Unbowed, unbent, unbroken we finally got in again after another 70 minutes of practicing patience. This time we knew what was in store for us, having caught brief glimpses of the rest of the exhibition (and having recorded some on camera so we could spend some time exploring the expo while standing in line). So now we knew to avoid the photoshoot area. We had managed to have our picture taken and in hindsight it had proven to be a little kitschy, so now we could focus all our attention on what deserved it the most: the treasures of the Seven Kingdoms, Essos and even Old Valyria before the Doom. There they lay for our gazing pleasure, as well preserved historical artifacts of a world long gone, as valuable as the Mona Lisa, the Hope diamond or Sue the T-Rex. Or just as what they were: exquisite samples of family, duty, honor; of the great care and craftsmanship that goes with creating the wide world of Westeros. Both the beauty of this realm and the cruelty that inhabits its noble houses as they strive for its dominion were well represented: elaborate dresses were displayed next to humongous swords, precious gems next to severed body parts. Though we had unfortunately missed the appearance of some of our show favorites the day before (no Arya Stark meet & greet for us suckers), the clothes they wore, the weaponry they carried and the ever present fear of sudden death they might one day face on telly for our pleasure they had left behind.

The richly embroidered fabrics of the vile Cersei Lannister and the elaborately patterned tunic of her even more despicable son Joffrey adorned one end of the hall, the by comparison dirty but still impressive Dothraki rags of our favorite khaleesi Daenerys Targaryen the other. Also to be found were the simple garments of the members of House Stark that suggested only hints of nobility to them, while the furs and thick coats of the Night's Watch and the Wildlings betrayed their owners lacking noble blood completely but sporting sense enough to arm themselves against the bitter cold of the North with great caution. Many weapons we would love to have hanging on our walls could be gazed at, including Needle, Hearteater, Ice and Longclaw, while we also had the opportunity to marvel both over props of great beauty, like rings, cups and jewelry as high as honor, and some of a more bizarre, morbid nature, like Davos Seaworth's bag of fingers, the brutally severed arm of the poor Grand Septon and of course Ned Stark's head. Game of Thrones might be rated '16' in the Netherlands (and justly so!), but that didn't stop some fans from bringing their young offspring, who beheld the more grotesque items with as much fascination as they did the others. Again, 15 minutes proved inadequate to take in all the design details of the, in truth, small amount of utterly intriguing items on display (less than a hundred in total), but at least it allowed us to take decent pictures of them all, for further study at home. Though the time we had spend waiting in line exceeded the amount of time we experienced to enjoy the wealth of Westeros by a factor of six, we considered it well worth the trouble, and we lamented the poor souls that didn't get to have their picture taken on the Iron Throne and had to get in a two hour line again just to at least see the rest of the show. Since this exhibition is only going to be open to the public for five days, I doubt this situation will change, so be warned: if you decide to go there, arrive early. If you really feel you need that coveted throne shot (and you will once you're there), run to the back of the hall the moment you get in - yours is the fury! - and if you find 50 people have beaten you to it, don't bother and go check out the things this expo really ought to be about: the props and costumes that make the characters we've come to love and loathe feel convincingly sincere, sympathetic or sinister.

No giftshop?! The more fools HBO! They don't charge admission in the first place - did I mention this expo is free yet? - and they don't sell merchandise to a public that craves it. I guess they didn't feel like selling swords to a large audience that over the course of three seasons has learned how to make proper use of them. Especially when confronted with waiting in line for so long they might get the urge to swing at their fellow fanboys in a fit of competitve rage. Apparently, HBO does not sow such fire and blood.

I can't wait for winter to come again. Or that theme song to get out of my head. Which at least isn't on a spike, like this one:

Game of Thrones Season 1 synopsis, Sinterklaas style

As of yesterday evening, Sinterklaas 2012 has come and gone for me. Me and my loved ones had a wonderful time, despite the grizzly weather and the typical frustrations it spawned (like wet presents). Even though I had less than a week to come up with suitable rhymes for the presents I gave to others, I think the result was pretty good. I'm especially proud of my 84 line piece of poetry describing the events depicted in season 1 of Game of Thrones, which I presented to my sister as a gift. Despite suggestions I ought to keep my writing brief, I showed what inspiration hath wrought when its subject is nothing but mesmerizingly inspirable. Simply for fun, I'm posting the poem here.

As seems more and more usual, it's written in Dutch. The Dutch language is ever more present on my blog, and I don't see this changing any time soon. In fact, I might decide to switch to full Dutch mode eventually, just to keep some consistency. Being the hypocrite that I am, I'll definitely keep my blog's name in English. 'De dag dat de nerd stil stond' just sounds too silly...

Voor Lady Saskia,

Fantasy is iets waar jij dol op bent

Dat is Sinterklaas nu toch wel bekend

Sint moet elk jaar weer uren zoeken

Naar door jou begeerde fantasy-boeken

Dat bezorgt hem soms heel wat stennis

Want van literatuur heeft hij weinig kennis

Ja, hij is echt meer van het audiovisuele

Letters op papier kunnen hem amper schele

Wat dat betreft wordt hij flink genaaid

Want fantasy-series zijn dun gezaaid

De zeven goden zij dank voor HBO

Die vond het fantasy-aanbod ook maar zo-zo

En benaderde de heer R.R. Martin

Die zag er gelukkig ook wel een gat in

Te verfilmen het Lied van Ijs en Vuur

Niet als miniserie, maar voor onbeperkte duur

Dat was een zeker schot in de roos

Want het resultaat is ongetwijfeld virtuoos

En ook al heb je de boeken al gelezen

De serie zal ook door jou worden geprezen

Natuurlijk heb je het al gezien

Maar 'n synopsis kan geen kwaad misschien

't Draait hoofdzakelijk om de heer Ned Stark

Een te edele en eerzame stijve hark

Wonend in een 'evil empire' in de dop

Zijn nobele aard kost hem nog eens de kop

Door de hand van de boze koningin

Die vreemd gaat met haar sexy twin

Telg van de rijke familie Lannister

Gebrand de macht te grijpen, hoe sinister!

Hun broertje Tyrion is nog niet zo kwaad

Zijn hart lijkt te zitten op de juiste plaats

Ook al is hij een dwerg, zijn lichaam maar klein

Zijn hoge sexdrift vindt menig vrouw toch fijn

Helaas wordt hij beschuldigd van moord

En door Starks verbolgen vrouw opgespoord

Maar weet hij zijn onverdiende straf te ontlopen

Door zich inventief vrij te kopen

Doch als z'n vader van zijn arrest krijgt te weten

Wordt er om de Imp een oorlog ontketend

Vervolgens sterft ook nog 'ns koning Robert

Die teveel alcohol had opgeslobberd

Zijn erfgenaam blijkt zijn gewetenloze zoon

En wanneer hij bestijgt de Ijz'ren Troon

Valt 't koninkrijk slechts narigheid ten deel

Al snel vliegen Noord en Zuid elkaar naar de keel

In een allesverwoestende strijd om de macht

Terwijl in het noorden valt de winterse nacht

Waardoor een oude mysterieuze kracht

Die duizenden jaren heeft afgewacht

Wakker wordt, volhartig smachtend

Om het ganse rijk af te slachten

Voor het land rest er slechts weinig hoop

Want iedereen ligt met elkaar overhoop

Doordat de adel meent dat de dreiging een grap is

Blijkt dat de grensbewaking nu maar slap is

Die laksheid zal 'n ieder zuur overkomen

Als 't rijk door zombies wordt overgenomen

En de enige redding voor het grote eiland

Ligt in haar oude verdreven vijand

Want in het oosten schuilt er nog Daenerys

Uitgehuwelijkt door haar broer, wat niet fair is

Nu wordt ze door krijgsheer Drogo bruut genomen

Maar gelukkig weet ze dit lot te overkomen

Want ook al moet ze zich heel vaak ontkleden

Ze weet haar eigen plannen te smeden

Om weer aan de macht in het rijk te geraken

Dankzij haar drietal kleine draken

En al die usurpators over de kling te jagen

In een zee van bloed zal dit haar behagen!

Zal zij des koninkrijk's pijn verzachten

Of zal zij zelf het rijk verkrachten

Ja ja, in Westeros is het een dolle boel

Waar lust en passie heerst over eergevoel

Met een gastrol voor het hoofd van George Bush

HBO's politiek is immers niet voor de poes

Bijna had dit tot een ernstig geschil geleid

En werd een fictieve oorlog bewaarheid

Want menig humorloze Republikein

Bleek nu tegen deze serie te zijn

Wees maar blij dat je in Nederland woont

Waar we van zulk conflict blijven verschoond

En dus zal Sint je fantasylust nu belonen

Met de eerste reeks van 't Spel der Tronen

Lord Sint